選擇 (Xuǎnzé) - Choice

My boyfriend is an artist. He is a Mexican-American living in south Texas. His family values his choice to be an artist, they see it as a gift from God. I am an artist. I am Chinese-American, I grew up on an Eastern Pacific Island. It's taken my family years to accept my choice to want to be an artist, they view it as a burden, a non-profession; something that should fill the space of a hobby rather than employment. Both my boyfriend and I have made a choice to be artists but how our families react to these choices are polar opposites.  The culture of a nation is responsible for framing how the society will react to choice. 

Okay, so what is choice? 

Choice. as defined by dictionary.com, is the right, power, or opportunity to choose.

choose

verb (used with object), chose; chosen or (Obsolete) chose;choosing.

1.to select from a number of possibilities; pick by preference:

2.to prefer or decide (to do something):

3.to want; desire:

Choice, to an Asian-American means knowing to name the option that has been granted pre-approval or pre-authorization from an elder, usually a parent. If you, as an Asian-American child, are able to, according to your parents, choose correctly, then you are a good child. It is a severe way to meddle with a child's mind, to have them oppress personal desires in order to please family expectations. This was extremely stressful for me because choosing wrong would result in shame and punishment. 

My painting "The Good Girl" is a reflection of the conflict me and many of my fellow Asian American's endured. The painting says: 

I see my true feelings and desires but I must blind or dull myself to my own feelings and conform to the expectations of my family; that makes me a good girl. 

開始 (Kāishǐ) - Beginning

Let me start by stating that I have no real professional training in painting. To be completely honest, I don't practice nearly enough as I probably should but so far I've been able to get away with it. I'm a careful observer and a visual learner. It has been working in my favor and has substituted for method and skill but that's only gotten me so far and now it's time to buckle down and really work on technique. Other more established artists have told me that they enjoy the unadulterated way I work and in some ways it's been the greatest compliment. So far, my work hasn't been about my technique. I mean, yes, I care about polishing my skills but up to this point I've been painting as a means of expression and healing and removing the angst  from my mind. 

With my first duo-show that I recently had, I put a lot of thought into the titles. These titles are very personal; they define the conflict and anxiety I experience as an Asian- American girl. 

The Asian community does not support self expression, in fact, the Asian community does not support the '' self '' because we are not individuals, we function as a collective. We are a nation of suppression. We discourage free thinkers, we are ashamed of those who are outspoken, and we take pride in using guilt as a way to progress generations. Let me be clear, I am not a self hating Asian, Dad. Rather, the contrast of being Chinese in America was complex and overwhelming. 

This is the theme of my work at this point. This is my process of finding out what kind of artist I am. It's a weird relationship with myself, trying to communicate an idea into something tangible. It's even more interesting to see my feelings transform into something concrete, into something that other people can observe. It's such a trip. 

第一年(Dì yī nián) - Year one

Ten years ago I left Guam, my birthplace, and moved to San Francisco. Full of excitement with just a pinch of fear to take on the role as a simple girl from an island living it up in a major metropolitan city. Last year, I left the city life to come to what I thought would be a more quiet one. Laredo is a small place but full of big spirit and quiet it's anything but. It's been busy and magical and last Thursday, as the mark of my one year of residency, I had my first two person show. I'm still gathering all the right words for how I'm feeling but with so much emotion in my heart, those words might not even exist. All I can say for right now is, thank you all for making me feel at home. 

Within the past year, since I made the commitment to paint more regularly, I've been discovering a lot about myself through my work. A lot of which has to do with my culture and how it has influenced me despite my efforts to to get away unscathed. My work and my blog entries will reflect what I've learned and how I've healed. I'm not the strongest writer but these writings are in effort to connect with people like me, people not like me and everyone in between.